homesick☂

September 25

it’s just so easy to cry.

it’s bittersweet, i love this feeling.

i miss you,

both of you.

we align

I have never spent so much quality time with someone before.

Not even with my so-called ex.

(I have begun to realize that my first so-called relationship was not really much of a relationship. I have in a way exalted it. Fuck it, I’ve never been in a real relationship.)

For the first time in weeks, maybe months, I am not okay.

I don’t remember when we became close.
I don’t remember when I started noticing you.

I don’t remember when I gave my heart to you.
Did I?
Was it entire? Or did it slip out slowly, with each word, with each touch?

I do know this; when I was with you, my chest felt lighter.  

But it hardly matters.

Because right now, my heart is as heavy as it has ever been.

I am lonely, I am jealous (but I have no right to be), I am regretful, 

I am not okay.

note to self

1. She owes you nothing.
2. You owe her nothing.
3. Do not lose her; her absence will destroy you.
4. You did not tell her anything. Do not just pretend it never happened. Believe it didn’t happen.
5. Do not blame her.
6. Never get jealous, she is not yours.
7. You are not hers.
8. Stop thinking. Stop worrying. Whatever happens is meant to happen.
9. Do not become boring. But if you do, it is okay. 
10. Obviously you know she likes you, you’re a really good friend to her. Even though you like her in a different way, do not take that for granted. She likes you, do not let that get away.

can’t you see? we’re perfect for each other

Well it’s been a happy few weeks. At some moments, I stopped and took in how happy I was. I was really happy.

So I guess I deserve this pang of sadness. Obviously I’m not allowed to stay happy for so long without feeling sad, what was I thinking?

I don’t want us to change! I like us a lot!

I fucking hate myself why why why did I do that?

I messed up.

Why did I feel the need to tell her?

I realize now that I’m perfectly fine with our friendship, maybe. But it’s all fucked up now because I told her.

How was I supposed to know? We’ve spent so much time together in just this past week.

And my brain just pieced a bunch of things together.

We were watching a movie one day, and her head was on my shoulder. I thought too much of it because I was just so glad.

I can spend time with her alone, and it’s not awkward or anything. It’s just great.

I really thought she liked me.

But now things will be completely different. It’ll be awkward as fuck.

I thought that this summer would be really nice, but now I think it’s just going to be another sad summer.

blah

she does not need to know

oh, 17 year old me, why are you so irrational and impulsive nononononono

THAT WAS A BAD MOVE

Bloodletting & Miraculous Cures

I read this book in grade 6 or 7, and now my old friends (including her) are reading it in their English class.

Although I enjoyed reading it back then, I’m sure I could not relate to the stories as well as I can today.

Curious to recollect the jist of the collection of connected short stories, I flipped a few pages last night.

And for the first time, I felt as though I could relate to Fitzgerald, the med school student and then the doctor; the lovestruck boy and then the man with a broken heart.

I could feel the devastating coldness of Ming’s words and the overwhelming lack of words in the times she said nothing. I could understand Fitzgerald’s pain when she detached herself from him completely.

I could feel the sadness in Fitzgerald’s words:

“I’m addicted to the idea of you.”

And I understood how he felt, to be almost trapped in imagination. To dream up a life for yourself that is simply impossible. To be so desperate for love that you ignore all morality and pretty much throw away everything.

To sink so low that it seems unimaginable to be able to rise again.

“He was surprised that this was the person to whom he had told himself he was irrevocably attached, that conviction amplified by his resentment and anger at her absence.”

It’s a shame that I can relate to such a melancholic story. But I’m glad there are books like this; stories that seem to fit almost perfectly into your own experiences, stories that can teach you so much about yourself.

I’m left wondering, did you feel it too? Did you connect to this story?

Did anything remind you of me? Ever?

But, in all honesty, none of that matters to me anymore. I’m just glad that this book has woken me up from such a naive dream.

We were not meant to be together, goodbye.

socializing is quite exhausting

she called me for a simple math question, and we talked for another 20 minutes afterwards.

she’s so cute!
plus she never sounds bored or anything and always has something to say.

i almost found it hard to not sound stupid (and maybe i did, i’m not sure :S)

her voice is lovely.

thank you, i needed that. c: